I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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