I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
