I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
