NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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