This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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