1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
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