Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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