the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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