she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
