remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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