So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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