look no pants
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
