Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize