I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
