Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
