Where are you?
In a non slutty way
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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