If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
