We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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