my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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