Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
