We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
