On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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