i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
