I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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