I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My vagina just clenched in fear
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