he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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