my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
