Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
