No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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