When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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