I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
