Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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