life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
