I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
