It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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