Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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