So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize