Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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