just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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