ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
