when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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