he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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