So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
im holly from the hills drunk
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize