I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize