five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
