He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
