These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
