He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
