so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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