My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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