hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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