theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
