I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
