I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize