so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
