i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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