Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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