mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
