I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
