You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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