Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
