I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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