my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
