when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
