When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
