I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
