Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
